A Little Sunday Diversion

So I was at the YMCA pool today. People Watching.

And I know theres a Bible verse somewhere about judging. You know the one "Judge not, lest ye be judged"or in the new cool slang Bible "Don't be hatin' less ya wanna be hated on, jerk". (is that an accurate representation?) Anyway, I was gentle in my judging, and repented immediately.

But I wondered as I sat in the hot tub, sadly and very knowingly stopping the tanning process that had begun a mere 2 hours prior (you aren't supposed to shower for a long time after tanning) if I was going to be like the woman beside me: chubby, wait, full on fat, old lady confidently sitting in her saggy one peice (not the only thing saggy) with oversize diamond earrings peeking out from the rubber strap of her bubbly (bubblegum pink) swim cap to protect her beehive. (this conclusion made seeing the height to which the cap was stretched. She was cute as a button. Telling stories about driving to Vegas. I wonder if I had a flash into my future ...

Just Wonderin'

LeeLeeMac

Sunday Sermon Observations

So this morning at church the sermon had to do with love conquering resentment. ( or something like that). But, of course, I daydreamed most of the time and looked at people's clothes and cute babies and cute couples and all the cotton-tops (elderly people with white hair) and planned my workout for later and how happy I was that the cute little trendy emo-ish kid at the front desk of the Canyon Meadows gym gave me about 5 free tanning passes ... blah blah la la ...

But one thing I did get out of (the sermon) when Job 10:1 appeared on the screen:

New American Standard Bible (©1995)"I loathe my own life; I will give full vent to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.

And while I now forget how it was referenced by Pastor Scott- all I could think of was "Oh!! That was me. ALL YEAR. And it struck me once again and this time a lot more real than the other times I've been reminded of the majority of 2010 ....

I was a miserable person to be around, because as I struggled blindly through a mess that wasn't ending and a mess I had no idea how to get out of , I thought honesty was the best policy ....

ugh. So embarassed now to think of all the times I didn't hold back on what I was really feeling about God, and how I felt abandoned by Him, about my unemployment, and on and on and on .... I wasn't feeling sorry for myself (at least I told myself I wasn't) but I literally loathed my life. And whoever asked, found out in no uncertain terms that it was kicking my ass.

And for that, I am deeply sorry. And for that, I am deeply appreciate of my friends who stuck by me. New friends, that had no real investment in me yet ... And my amazing and understanding family. I love you all to (as Handley would say) the stars and the back of the moon.

Thats all.

Cheers,

L.

So One Day, I Went to the Zoo

and saw Wallabys. (this is not the pic I took) I'm much too lazy these days to download my Rebel pics to my comp.

and all I could think of was ....

Grandma and Grandmie ... Yup. You got it.

All I could picture was their Wallaby shoes.

Grandma standing in her kitchen letting me bake (poor soul) cinnamon rolls with her.

and

Grandmie, walking up the road to our house for her daily dose of grandchildren and tea with Mom.

So weird. Sometimes I wonder if I'm operating on all cylinders.

Go See It!!

Go Go Go.

You will laugh yourself silly.

Picture Anchorman with a blue head!

I'm going to watch it again in December when Bree is finally free from school.

Ran-Dom

So I had this thought today as I remembered something I did yesterday that was really dumb (surprised??) and how I somehow missed "getting in trouble" for it. Like missed getting in trouble in a really bizarre and random way. (I'm 35, I don't really get in trouble anymore ) And I, for the first time in my life thought about my guardian angel and what must he/she look like?? Is he/she cute and chubby? Does he/she have dark hair like me? And the only image that came to mind was of an exhausted, worn out, giant bags under HER eyes, gray haired angel with toned legs and arms from running so much!
I'm sure she feels like the one below, first thing in the morning, all smiley and looking forward to the day with this beautiful verse to guide her ....


But by noon .... this is how she feels ... ready for bed!

Another random thought from a bored, and over-active imagination.

Cheers yo!

LeeLeeMac

oh p.s. - I did something sooo soooo stooopid last week and literally promised God that if He let me off with this one, I'd never do anything so dumb again (can't believe still that I did what I did) and He took care of it in such an extreme way that I had to kind of sit down, breathe a deep sigh of relief, and I turbo realized that He's got me! I love it!!

oh p.p.s - be REALLY REALLY careful and check the name in the "to" box of your email before you send off your message ... just sayin' ....

K. For Real - Cheers!

Just a Little Lesson Learned Lately

You know, sometimes when good things happen to bad people, you question the validity of God's ways (if you believe His hand is in every moment and movement in our lives). And on the contrary, when bad things happen to those who are following Him with all their heart - you wonder where the balance between good and evil actually lies.

And if you've been there personally, and when you've been there more times than necessary, you know that coping skills come with experience. Though they are varied and tend to wan in unfamiliar territory.

When you are too scared to look behind in near tangible fear of what just happened, too scared to look ahead in paralyzing anxiety of what may be coming your way, you fix your gaze downward and keep walking. With no plan, no focus, or agenda, you slip into a space that is dark and without time. Where your soul feels like it has died and the will to even get out of there is, at best, weak.

However you escape, whatever your means of survival are, a familial support system, church, friends, a therapist - or sheer will and waiting it out - you will discover you're changed.

For better or worse. But you're definitely different.

And while it seems grossly unfair, no one has ever been promised life was fair - we have to remember that despite our fears and panic, God actually has this.

Even if you don't believe this, please try to believe it. Even if its a tiny spec of hope to latch onto on days you want your world to end. Pick a scripture or a song that is your life-song for whatever you are going through. I'm not saying it'll make it easier, but it will divert your attention for a second and may be the very thing that gets you through whatever segment of time you are struggling to clamber past. Some days you are day by day, some days you are hour by hour. Some, minute by minute.

Bree and I have this running joke (based on two true stories told of people rushing to the rescue of someone else yelling "I got this, I'm a lifeguard".) So now we say alll the time "I got this, I'm a Nova Scotian" or something else completely unrelated to the subject at hand. Could be buying groceries for a bbq or grabbing a glass of water for each other. But it can be applied in a non-joke way to life's dark moments.

With 'rhyme or reason' that is often hidden to us - He's got this.

Keep the faith (even if this means calling your dad sometimes twice a day to make sure you're still alive)

The hands that hold the world are holding you.

*I hope I'm not tested in this venue of life again anytime soon - I'd just like to pass along a thought or two I've had lately*

RAT-A-TAT-TAT

As usual, theres a long story behind this post..
Part A:
Last October I was super sad one night (a dumb boy dumped me pretty ceremoniously and I was devastated (well, my ego was)) and was laying in bed before going to sleep just kind of meditating on what had happened as I was completely blindsided and wondering if I was ever going to not be fooled by ‘love’ (and mortally embarrassed). I was half praying/half falling asleep so I made one last prayer asking for a verse to settle my mind, just something little (literary Xanax) to calm me.
I haphazardly opened my Bible to Jeremiah. 31
I know. Jeremiah.
I was like “ok, whatever God, Jeremiah it is, I guess.
However, I’d opened to chapter 31 and began reading. For some reason, verse 3 struck me. So I woke up a little and read another verse. Soon, I was sitting upright and wide awake.
This chapter was completely speaking to me. Literally, I felt like this was my promise – straight from God himself. I credit that to the quick recovery of my sensitive, naïve, never-gonna-learn-are-ya-? heart.
With a then recent renewed interest in “Godness” I shared this revelation with (well, anyone who would listen, as I was still in shock that this had happened) Ashley in particular. That’d be my sweet baby sister Ashley.
Months went by and life went by: my birthday came and I received a darling painting by her with her interpretation of verse _ which is “She will once again dance”. Because this verse had been one of the ‘stitches’ that mended my heart, I loved the painting, but more importantly, I loved that this was Ashley’s version of it and I liked it better than the verse. The fact that she took into account how precious this chapter was to me and made me a painting was beyond priceless (not possible, thus an oxymoron, sorry)

Part B:
I’d wanted a tattoo for some time now, but since its foreverness, you have to be pretty sure you want this and pretty sure of what you’re getting inked on your body. Now, in NS, if you have a tattoo, you’re a bit of a bad-ass, a bit edgy and a have a bit of rebellious blood in you. But out here, no tattoo is the new tattoo. Everyone has them. I know a guy that has a verse in Matthew on the inside of his bicep, paired with skulls on the other side of his arm and this guy is salt of the earth, a missionary in Sudan, rebuilding churches that were destroyed by Muslims. Haha – when I first met him and his friends, who are all tatted up with verses and crosses , I was like “wow – christians with tattoos’ groovy!

Last year, I had a consultation with a well known and well respected artist and I was going to get a cross (deep purple) on the inside of my wrist with ‘be still’ written under it. But I lost my job and didn’t think it was wise to get it when I didn’t know my financial future (it was only $100, but still) And over the winter, I became so disillusioned and bitter that I’d been super mad if in my daily fury if I’d have to look at my wrist and see be still! Lol. Like someone telling you to calm down when you’re upset … But since I’ve been looking at the painting everyday all year and through this pain and on the days I wanted to give up, somewhere deep inside I believed God’s promise to me on that late night last October that I was going to be ok and that, indeed, I would once again dance.
So, I decided that now was the time. I’ll be eating in a lot this month, and no dips into Urban Barn to see whats on sale to put on my plain little apt walls. I made the consultation appointment again and this time, I was going to go through with it. So I saddled up on Wednesday and sat through about an hour of the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my life.
Bony foot bones = stupid pain.
The letters weren’t so bad, but the stem of the flower was b-r-u-t-al. my thighs have little round bruise marks from me digging my hands into them. He told me not to move. So I didn’t. I was sweating like a pig, breathing very (VERY) deep breaths, and almost passed out once. He stopped a few times for me, but was very impressed with how tough I was. (heehee – guess (as Dad would say) he didn’t know he was dealing with a tough MacKinnon gal from Cape Breton??)
It was bandaged for a few hours so I couldn’t see it. Then i was laying in bed that night and I freaking panicked. Full on “WHAT HAVE I DONE”. This is FOREVER. More forever than anything else out there. It only lasted a minute because have wanted this for months, it wasn’t a spontaneous move and I love what it represents. It s a promise straight from upstairs that while I literally dance like a white girl from Nova Scotia, figuratively, I will dance, even though theres going to be times where I’ll be ‘sitting this one out’. And since I won’t always have Ashley’s painting, my promise, on my person, I have this.
Forever. (did I mention that J)
The flower was drawn by me – its my doodle – always and has been for years, and thought it was a good match.

Moments before:

Shortly after:

Still shortly after:

Finished product - ready to face the world: (pardon the quality - its my blackberry)

And feel free to discuss amongst yourselves the obvious mistake this well known artist made ... i am aware and am presently deciding on how to deal with it.

Peace Out -

PERMANANT FULL TIME

More good news. I signed on the dotted line at my new permanent full time job, complete with RSP matching, bonus’ twice a year, great flex time, overtime, room to grow etc.

I am thankful, grateful, relieved, happy, calm, peaceful and feel secure in my job. Its been a long time coming, but its worth the wait, I can’t imagine working for a better company. They are very complimentary when a job is done well and honest when something needs to be worked on.
Thursday, a client was at the front desk waiting for someone and about 4 of us were around the desk working as usual which involves goofiness, laughing and general hooliganness – and the guy was staring at us a little cod fish mouth-ish and said ‘wow, you guys have a lot of fun here, don’t you?"

And the beautiful thing is, is that this is everyday, its not put on for visitors or its not an ‘every now and then’ thing. This is the real deal. We have dumb nicknames for each other and we are often caught laughing our heads off, but always working, and (generally productive). Its amazing. I’ve never been exposed to a workplace like that and God knows, I’ve been exposed to a lot of work places!

I am over the moon that I am where I am, 5 kms from work, free parking, off work at 1 on Fridays, so many, many wonderful perks of working there. It’s one of the trendiest parts of the city, its across the river from downtown, so we still get the downtown ‘feel’ but its not crazy busy, its quaint and has a real artsy feel to it.

Again with the ‘B’ word I hate so much, but I feel truly blessed in life right now. I am surrounded by good people and have waited all my life to feel like I do right now.

And I am thankful for my faithful friends/family who prayed for me and kept me going when I couldn't do it myself!

Dominos, But With Cars

Oh my goodness I’m an idiot sometimes.

I was travelling down a fairly unfamiliar street last night in Calgary and when the red light turned green, I went straight,

Only to find out seconds later that it was a one way, and I was in fact, going the wrong way. So I muttered a few choice words and whipped around and sat at the red light to turn left (since I should’ve turned right the first time) only to find that about 5 cars had followed and were stockpiled up trying to turn around in the same fashion.

For some reason, it sent me into a fit of giggles – it looked like a scene from a Mr. Bean movie or something.

Did I Ever Tell You About the Time .... ?

That I ran over a guy’s leg? No joke.
But its not like you imagine, at least I don’t think so.
Heres how the story goes:
In Halifax about 6 years my boyfriend at the time whom we’ll call … hmmm whats a good name for a “jerk of all trades?’

Lets call him Marc.

So, Marc and I were returning peacefully home from a shopping excursion, his at Home Depot, mine at Winners. We were driving from BLIP (Bayers Lake Industrial Park) with Pink stryofoam on the top of the truck, and him driving like an old man, (which I actually thought was a little bit cute most of the time) noticing everything that was happening around him, me with head down as we exit onto the Bedford highway, searching through my bag of bargains. I didn’t like him anymore at this point, I was just happy for the ride to Winners. Heehee .
As we merge into traffic already going at speeds exceeding the posted 100km/h, he says in alarm “That’s a leg we just ran over”. It was just getting dark at this time and I said in my sweetest (is there a sarcasm font I can insert here?) voice ever as I’m turning around to humor him and his outrageous statement “Don’t be such a weirdo, Marc, you didn’t just run over a leg, you’re such adrama que ---- OHMYGOD! That s a LEG you just ran over.
There was the bottom part of a human leg getting knocked around cars undercarriages at said excessive speeds.
“What should I do?”, he asked. ‘should I stop’?
YES I screamed – that a freaking LEG – ON THE HIGWAY!
So we pull over, back up and see a guy sitting against the concrete median that has no additional shoulder with traffic screaming by him. I Call 911.

Listen to how this conversation went: (or at least its loosely based on actual events)

911: 911 What is your emergency?
Me: Hey, I’m on the Bedford Hwy just before the Peggy’s Cove exit heading into the city from Bayers Lake and theres a guy who’s been hit by a car and his leg is severed. ('cept that I wasn’t exactly that articulate, I was f-r-e-a-k-i-n-g out.)
911: ma’am, is he conherent.? Whats your name, phone number etc etc ?
Me: Yes, we’re conversing with him. He’s alive with no other visible injuries. But he’s going to be hit again if traffic isn’t stopped soon.(there was no shoulder, just room enough for him to sit with his remaining leg tucked under him, very very scary to watch this unfolding) As I’m giving my name, phone number, age, blood type …
911: Ma’am, can you go across to make sure he’s ok?
Me: No. I can talk to him from here. There are more cars stopping, now
911: Yes, we’re getting more calls. Can you please go across the road to comfort him?
Me: No ma’am I can’t. That’s how he got hurt in the first place.
911: more questions .. blah blah Will you go across the road to be with him?
Me: Ma’am with all due respect, I’m wearing a short jean skirt, its almost dark and cars are driving past me at about 120km/h. I’m not going to risk my life. Are you sending emergency vehicles here or whats happening?
Soooo … by then, other cars had stopped and some guy went across the road to be with the victim.
Turns out – as I’d gone to visit him in the hospital – that he’d had depression problems and was off his medication. He told the police that he and his friend were crossing the road (no crosswalk and thick woods on the other side) and his friend took off to get help and never came back. Nor did the person that hit him.
His story was always fishy to me – and I said to Marc one day in conversation, as we had many deep conversations about the horrendous shock of the whole situation, that I thought he was trying to commit suicide.
His leg was too damaged to reattach and he had to have it amputated above the knee and told me one time in the hospital that he was going to sue. I asked him who he could possibly sue, he was unfortunately the one at fault in this case. He was crossing a highway in the dark, and even though it was a hit and run, he didn’t have any grounds to sue (you just said in your head that he didn’t have a leg to stand on …. Didn’t you? Cuz I did but decided not to write it, but let you say it first, so you won’t be hatin’.
After about 3 weeks of visiting him, bringing him Pete’s salad’s and healthy food, etc, I started to distrust him and thought he was getting too close to us, so I did what I do best – and ignored phone calls and he eventually stopped. Totally the wrong way to deal with it, but at the time, the only option I saw … so don’t know anything else about him ….
The end of the story as I know it is that the year before, he’d gotten hit by a car and had received a sizable settlement and he was hoping that this would be the case the second time around.
Turns out, I wasn’t entirely wrong about him. I can’t say that very often, so I’ll take this opportunity to point that out :-)
Crazy, hey?