So this morning at church the sermon had to do with love conquering resentment. ( or something like that). But, of course, I daydreamed most of the time and looked at people's clothes and cute babies and cute couples and all the cotton-tops (elderly people with white hair) and planned my workout for later and how happy I was that the cute little trendy emo-ish kid at the front desk of the Canyon Meadows gym gave me about 5 free tanning passes ... blah blah la la ...
But one thing I did get out of (the sermon) when Job 10:1 appeared on the screen:
New American Standard Bible (©1995)"I loathe my own life; I will give full vent to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.
And while I now forget how it was referenced by Pastor Scott- all I could think of was "Oh!! That was me. ALL YEAR. And it struck me once again and this time a lot more real than the other times I've been reminded of the majority of 2010 ....
I was a miserable person to be around, because as I struggled blindly through a mess that wasn't ending and a mess I had no idea how to get out of , I thought honesty was the best policy ....
ugh. So embarassed now to think of all the times I didn't hold back on what I was really feeling about God, and how I felt abandoned by Him, about my unemployment, and on and on and on .... I wasn't feeling sorry for myself (at least I told myself I wasn't) but I literally loathed my life. And whoever asked, found out in no uncertain terms that it was kicking my ass.
And for that, I am deeply sorry. And for that, I am deeply appreciate of my friends who stuck by me. New friends, that had no real investment in me yet ... And my amazing and understanding family. I love you all to (as Handley would say) the stars and the back of the moon.
Thats all.
Cheers,
L.
No comments:
Post a Comment